An Exercise in Futility

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May 1

OKAY

SO

LETS TALK ABOUT MINUTE RICE

YES THAT’S THE STUFF. IT IS RICE. AND IT TAKES A MINUTE.

OR SO THEY WOULD HAVE YOU BELIEVE LIKE THE MISLED GRAIN-FED SHEEP-CHUMPS THAT THEY THINK YOU ARE.

THIS SHIT DOESN’T TAKE A MINUTE AT ALL. I WAS DECEIVED. IT TAKES WAY MORE THAN A MINUTE TO MAKE.

BUT “OH,” YOU MAY SAY, POINTING TO THE BOX LIKE A DUMBSTRUCK INFANT BABBLING NONSENSICALLY AT AN UNCARING BYSTANDER, “IT SAYS ‘READY IN 5 MINUTES!” TO WHICH I SAY

WRONG A-FUCKING-GAIN SMARTFART, SO BUCKLE YOUR SEATBELT BECAUSE YOU ARE ABOUT TO EXPERIENCE A FENDER BENDER OF COLD HARD FACT SLAMMING INTO YOUR FEEBLE LITTLE MINDS AT THE FOUR WAY STOP OF TRUTH

THIS RICE IN FACT TAKES ELEVEN FUCKING MINUTES TO MAKE, WHICH IS 10 LONGER THAN I EXPECTED, 6 LONGER THAN ADVERTISED, AND 15 LONGER THAN I WANTED.

THESE SMUG LONG GRAIN CHUCKLEFUCKS HAVE THE GALL TO EXPECT YOU TO HAVE ALREADY BOILED THE WATER BEFORE EVEN LOOKING AT THE PACKAGE. SO IF YOU AREN’T A FUCKING FOOD FORTUNE TELLER OR PUT UP WITH THIS ASININE TOMFOOLERY BEFORE, TOUGH SHIT, YOUR REWARD IS MORE WAITING.

BUT WAIT, SURELY IT DOESN’T TAKE 6 MINUTES TO BOIL WATER, SAYS SOMEONE WHO PRESUMABLY CARES ABOUT THAT, BECAUSE i DON’T PAY ATTENTION TO HOW LONG IT TAKES FOR WATER TO BOIL BECAUSE THAT SHIT IS BORING AND PRETTY OBVIOUS WHEN ITS READY BUT I DIGRESS SO WHATEVER

WHICH IS WHERE I SHOW YOU THE MICROWAVE INSTRUCTIONS, WHICH I WAS FORCED TO SUBMIT MYSELF TO:

LOOK AT THIS PURE UNLEADED BULLSHIT. 5 MINUTES MY ASS. NOT ONLY DOES IT TAKE A MINIMUM OF ELEVEN MINUTES, IT CAN TAKE UP TO FIFTEEN IF YOU HAVE THE GODDAMN AUDACITY TO WANT TO COOK MORE THAN 2 SERVINGS.

FIFTEEN FUCKING MINUTES. THAT IS 3 TIMES WHAT YOU PROMISED, AND 15 TIMES WHAT I EXPECTED FROM YOU, MINUTE RICE, YOU SEDUCTIVE PAINTED HARLOT.

SO HERE I AM, INNOCENTLY WANTING TO EAT TO STAVE OFF LAZINESS INDUCED STARVATION AND HUNGER PAINS, REACHING FOR THE FASTEST COOKING THING I CAN SEE, MINUTE RICE, WITH THE PROMISE OF FAST, DELICIOUS STAPLE FOOD.

BUT INSTEAD, EVEN AFTER FETCHING THE TOOLS AND INGREDIENTS, I HAD TO WAIT AN AGONIZING AND UNEXPECTED 6 MINUTES FOR IT TO COOK, BEFORE AN ADDITIONAL NEVERENDING 5 FOR IT TO STAND, BEFORE I COULD RECEIVE MY MUCH NEEDED NOURISHMENT.

AND FOR THIS SLIGHT IRRITATING DELAY WHERE I WAS HUNGRY, I CURSE YOUR NAME, MINUTE RICE. I TRUSTED YOU, AND YOU FAILED ME.

YOU FAILED ME.

RyuMako